Tuesday, May 17, 2011

The Marriage Terminator!

Today's Top News

Oh Arnold!

Today I learned how Arnold Schwarzenegger terminated his marriage with Maria Shriver.  It seems that The Gov had some love with a household staff member and I'm assuming it was a woman because they had a child.  If you want to read more about the whole sorted affair, click here!

Today's Top Status

Turn off the drama and live the dream.  This seemed like some great advice but if people really took it I wouldn't have anything to blog about now would I. :)

Today's Top Joke

It got crowded in heaven so, for one day and one day only, it was decided to only accept people who had a really bad day on the day they died.

St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died." The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, of which I died from." St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.

He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!" St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.

"Tell me about the day you died?” he said to the third man in line. "OK, picture this; I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."

What did you learn on Facebook today?

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Love Pats Coming to a Mall Near You?

Today's Top News

I learned today that the counter terrorism guys are saying that we are possibly going to get our butt kicked for us offing Osama. They think they will target places like the malls and stuff like that, they called them soft targets. I had several thoughts on this.

1. If something happens this would not be good for Obama's poll numbers especially after he was all peacockin' it up, saying he gave the order to kill Osama.

2. If the government puts a bunch of guards with like M-16's in the malls and they are doing the whole TSA thing just so you can go in and buy some shizit, sales are going to hit rock bottom.

3. If a mall does get attacked, online retailers are going to bonus, however, this would not be a good thing for the jobs numbers. Our country would begin to look like a military state. Would that make us land of the watched and home of the felt up?

4. The government would have to create a new agency to watch the malls etc. and feel people up at the door so, let me be the first to propose, U.P.R.A.S.S. - United Patrol Regiment Association of Shopping Security.  

5. Note to Uncle Sam if you are so flippin' worried about our malls why don't you start watching our borders! And I'm not talking about the book stores!

To read about what the counter terrorism "experts" are saying click here.

Today's Top Picture

Here's a lmao picture of Osama Bin Laden's Facebook status. :)

Today's Top Quote

Don't let failure go to your heart, and don't let success go to your head." Will Smith

What did you learn on Facebook today?

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Imam vs. Obama, Cupcakes and Other Good Stuff

Today's Top News

So I guess there is some guy called, imam (I think that is "Emom" I don't think it's like ipod) and this guy is super pissed that we killed Osama and he wants revenge! He said, "The western dogs are rejoicing after killing one of our Islamic lions. From Al-Aqsa Mosque, where the future caliphate will originate with the help of God, we say to them – the dogs will not rejoice too much for killing the lions. The dogs will remain dogs and the lion, even if he is dead, will remain a lion."

He went on to talk some more stuff about hanging Obama and Bush Junior. For the full twisted story click here.

Today's Show Off

Ok you know all of you have at least one friend on Facebook that has to be all perfect.  I have lots of them.  Sadly, I know most of them really well so they aren't foolin' me any.  I like how they are all trying to out do themselves though for Teacher Appreciation Week at school.  They are just busy, busy, busy whippin' up cookies and cupcakes!  I, on the other hand, like to give gift cards, they are calorie free and don't make a mess in my kitchen. :)

Today's Great Quote

With all the twisted news about the crazy people wanting to destroy the "Western Dogs" I thought we needed something a bit uplifting, more on the happy side.

Everyday may not be a good day - But there is something good in everyday!  Go find the good.

What did you learn on Facebook today?

Monday, May 2, 2011

Osama, Obama and Food Pictures - Which One Doesn't Belong?

Today's Top News

Osama Bin Laden was spotted today having lunch with Elvis. Ok not really but sadly unlike last night there weren't anymore good Bin Laden jokes today.  It does appear though now the conspiracy theories are abound.  There are some pretty convincing ones on Facebook but the best one was from a hardcore Republican talking about how they are just trying to prop up Obama's image.  While he is twisted up at the moment Obama is going to have to do better than that.  Because nobody is going to give an Osama's behind when they have to fill up their car on Friday.

For the best "real" conspiracy theories check out InfoWars

Today's Chain Status

REPOSTED!!!!~ Let's be clear on this: OBAMA did NOT kill Bin Laden. An American soldier, who Obama just a few weeks ago was debating on whether or not to PAY, did. Obama just happened to be the one in office when our soldiers finally found OBL and took him out. This is NOT an Obama victory, but an AMERICAN victory!! PLZ REPOST IF YOU AGREE!!!.

Today's Picture

I don't know about your friends but a lot of mine (that don't even know each other!) like to take pictures of their food and upload it to their page.  I don't get this.  Why? Are you proving you have food, are you trying to make people jealous? Are you thankful? What is this about!? I'm even friends with one guy that uploads a pic of the dinner table, set with food and all, most nights and then lists the menu of the evening.

What is this trend? Please someone explain this to me!!

What did you learn on Facebook today?

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Osama Bin Laden Dead!

Today's Top News

The news of Osama Bin Laden's death is blazin' across Facebook at record speed!  ABC News is the first link I had to the story. It's amazing we got him before the Grim Reaper did.  Rumors abound that he has been dead for a week. 

There are reports that people are outside the White House cheering, "USA, USA, USA!"

We've also learned via Facebook, that Donald Trump won't believe it until he sees the death certificate.

Today's Top Funny Status

I bet Bin Laden regrets allowing his iPhone app to track his current location

Today's Top Joke

A Bin Laden joke already, wow peeps on Facebook are fast.

When Osama bin Laden died, he was met at the pearly gates
by George Washington, who slapped him across the face and
yelled: "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive!"

Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and
...shouted: "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed."

James Madison followed, kicked him in the groin and said:
"This is why I allowed our government to provide for the
common defense!"

Thomas Jefferson was next, beat Osama with a long cane
and snarled: "It was evil men like you who inspired me to
write the Declaration of Independence."

The beatings and thrashing continued as George Mason,
James Monroe and 64 other early Americans unleashed
their anger on the terrorist leader.

As Osama lay bleeding and in pain, an angel appeared.
Bin Laden wept and said: "This is not what you promised me."

The angel replied: "I told you there would be 70 Virginians waiting for
you in Heaven. What did you think I said?

What did you learn on Facebook today?  Any good Bin Laden jokes? Do share by leaving them in the comments section!

ETA: Another Bin Laden Joke

Hell is... 72 virgins and not one Viagra.



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